Couch Surfing at 70

I found myself at the San Luis Obispo’s farmer’s market yesterday. Since the market is held on Higuera Street from 6-9pm, this was like me pulling an all-nighter. Seriously. At 5:15 I strolled into Boo Boo Records on Monterey and got lost looking in the used CD bins until six. From there it was a…

I had the most lovely walk yesterday morning. I do not have the words to do it justice, I’ll just say that I walked down to the credit union to deposit a $26.27 refund from my State Farm car insurance for moving to San Luis Obispo from San Diego, and when I walked out the…

Some days a bird begins singing out the window before dawn. Other days it’s a daylight song. Yesterday, early, I came upon a most interesting job opportunity, one I’d bring great stuff to, and reached out a couple of times, I believed quite persuasively. Last night I was messaged, “Sorry, this position requires a female.…

I have discovered about 12 different viewpoints from which I can stare down to the glimmering, moving- along San Luis Obispo Creek. The search, and returns to those finds, again and again, has accounted for a bunch of the miles my ancient feet have accumulated. I have a job interview this afternoon, a first here,…

I’m walking more. In fact, I’m doing almost nothing but walking. I’m sure there are reasons, but mostly it’s just me following my feet and my heart. In some order. Here as a solo act in San Luis Obispo. A short, rolling eight blocks to the loveliest of downtowns. The sun-splashed flowing creek. The two-room…

With the help of a few of you, and large circumstances seemingly with a mind of their own, I boarded an early train in San Luis Obispo yesterday morning and rolled down to Santa Barbara, about two and a half train hours south. Then, just after noon, I boarded another train and rolled back up…

It’s likely I’m out early today, and back later with big eyes. I’m hoping to stroll on salt-water piers today and tomorrow. Variable transportation. Promises I’ll keep on goofy letters, with scrawls and blue gel pens. Further strange transport. Yesterday I strolled into a new-to-me grocery store discovered on a long walk, only to see…

Many years ago I read a magazine article with an interview of a man who had gone out sailing by himself and been caught in a storm and ship-wrecked on an island for a month. After he’d been found and rescued and brought back home, he was asked how he was able to survive all…

To say this morning I am filled with a variety of wild emotions is to say it correctly.

“Being appropriate is not appropriate for a pilgrimage.” — John Tarrant I believe it was while I was sitting in a Zoom Koan group Sunday morning when I decided to make no (other) decisions for one week. I don’t think I’d been thinking about this, but the fact is I’m decided out. Lengthy list in…

I’ve received five or six “No’s” or no responses from places of employment to which I have applied, including a funky neighborhood restaurant and a hardware store. Turns out that would allow me to qualify for Medi-Cal, I learned in a meeting about Medicare with a volunteer from a non-profit yesterday. Medi-Cal, I learned, would…

I watered my three plants yesterday. It was a normal and good thing to do. They were glad. My friend Bob in Massachusetts had been the solo responder to my bold request for financial support to buy a ticket and take my very first train ride, and I spent some of the day selecting a…

I took this picture yesterday in Cayucos, California, at the very edge of the Pacific Ocean. A took a bunch of photos there and this was the poorest in terms of sharpness and quality. The sandpiper and I had a bit of a dance, just how many steps I could take in his/her direction before…

There’s glimpses of this amidst loud noises, funky smells, little sleep, and aimless walking arounds.

If I say today my favorite color is green, it won’t surprise me in the least if I wake tomorrow knowing it’s orange. Nearly nothing feels static with me.

When I was maybe six I rode with my family on the train at the Edaville Railroad, a theme-parky place amidst cranberry bogs in Carver, Massachusetts, the next town. Otherwise I have never traveled on a train. Something of a life deficit. The Surfliner line of Amtrak, which gets its start in San Diego, ends…

I caught my breath a smidge yesterday. The place managed to sneak just in front of my mind in line.

Tuesday’s strolling along on small errands to become more a part of this new place – credit union membership, library card, senior center – I came upon the San Luis Obispo Creek meandering and falling pretty much through the center of town. A bench there. Earlier in the morning I came upon a gardener who…

So, if you are reading this, would you please do me a favor and send a card, post card, letter, life statement, something that I can offer as evidence that I actually live here. For as long as I live here. The post office forwarding system hasn’t offered a shred of success that what was…

I honestly have no idea what to say about my life Sunday night/Monday morning. There’s a real chance I won’t sleep tonight, what with the racket just beyond this door, and every chance I’m sleeping in a strange bed by myself. I would like to not complain, and like to think I can spread myself…

I thought I had written this post before, this exact post, but I can’t find it anywhere. Or in any of the last week’s Morning Pages. I wonder if I dreamed writing it, but the visuals and their language are so real – so exact. The other day my brain shut down for a while.…

I cannot even imagine this Thursday. Or, if I’m lucky enough to wake to them, the following two days. I remember once, during the brief time I owned and operated my first car – a 1955 Plymouth – driving one afternoon and a slightly-older girl named Cathy Shanks was with me and when I lit…

Yesterday I celebrated 42 years of one day at a time without one drink or drug. Also yesterday was my last day of work – for now, and who knows how long. A barista at Starbuck’s asked about my day and I said it was my last day of work, and she looked at me…

I got some stuff done yesterday. Toward the leaving. Including a lengthy stroll imbedding a few more neighborhood goodbyes. Gosh, I loved the musical “The Sound of Music” when I was a kid. Pretty sure there was a song of “Goodbyes” in that. The only money I actually spent yesterday was for two containers of…

I have entered my last week in San Diego, and much more significantly, my last week with Ann. Yesterday we drove down the Silver Strand from Coronado and into Imperial Beach, where we walked all the way out on the pier. It was the third time Ann has brought me there, my only times, and…

It was 11:15 Wednesday morning and I was sitting at a hospital cafeteria table with the three folks for whom I’ve served as ‘job coach’ about the last four months. Two were eating lunch, one wasn’t, nobody was talking. I’d had two vaccinations the previous afternoon – Covid booster and RSV – and I was…

I’m typing this in one of Ann’s living room leather chairs, the really big one, with the laptop on my legs. It’s weird. I’m a desktop kind of kid. But a couple of weeks ago I shushed the dust off this one and began the slow process of finding ways to log into and bring…

So, this feeling/knowing/sensation that time is running out for everything. For every precious moment left with Ann. For every hour still able to make money. For packing up and entirely ready to leave. For selling what’s here to sell. For a world of goodbyes. A window into 10,000 fears. And perhaps slow dancing.

Every morning before meditation I get on my knees. Twenty-five years ago it was one thing, now it’s another. Always these two words appear – “All offers.” It’s been said that when you (me) take the position of host you know the guests are arriving, and you (me) get to be courteous. With a possibility…

Lately I’ve been rather light-heartedly saying, “I’ve rented a room I’ve never seen from a man I’ve never met in a town I know no one.” A Koan-like choice of words. Yet Saturday morning on the meditation cushion I became filled with an experience of vast loneliness. Here’s my old mentor Frenchie stepping to the…

In my book “Joy in the Journey” there’s a story of a woman from Everett, Massachusetts who says, “When I first came to the coffee shop my life was the size of a peanut shell,” and the author’s resonance upon hearing that. Now, moving away from here, taking only what will fit in my car,…

I think I’d like to easy does it this morning and borrow a quote from the Ross Bolleter book “Dongshan’s Five Ranks.” It feels wildly relevant in my life these days. “The moon rises and is reflected in the water in its own good time. Meanwhile, you come up to the gate a thousand times.…

My Zen teacher is in Japan. Here’s a telephone conversation with my new landlord Tuesday afternoon – Me – “Hello Frank, it’s Buddy Cushman.” Frank – One one thousand, two one thousand, three one thousand, “Oh, right, Buddy Cushman, hello.” There were a lot of tears at the Co-op Tuesday morning within the “I’ll be…

Today I begin telling the four people I’ve been supporting as “job coach” that I will be leaving the job, leaving United Cerebral Palsy, leaving San Diego. Today’s tell will be the most difficult, as I have been working with Jolene at the Ocean Beach People’s Co-op more than a year and have become a…

I am on a farewell tour here in San Diego. Friday, Shelter Island. Saturday, the India Street farmer’s market. Sunday, the San Diego zoo. Looking out the living room window. Driving through Balboa Park. Stopping at the dragon in the front yard on Albatross Street. Honoring the experience of ending things. A long-time, long-ago friend…

Dearest Reader – Please consider a donation to support this Couch Surfing at 70 blog’s domain, hosting, and current rent expenses. And, as you may have deduced from a number of posts here these last couple of months – considerable expense involving a move from San Diego north toward Oakland. A new chapter in my…

The emptiness gazing at the blank blog page is kind of inviting. I’m not very talkative today. I’m hoping to take (to fit) three of my plants in this room when I head north toward Oakland.

I have never before felt so ‘all at once’ as I do these days. I never remember feeling so connected with the world, and so separate from it — these realities not two. My life feels entirely blasted wide open right now. So much tenderness. Many tears. 76 years of soul.

I had a conversation with my friend Bob from Massachusetts the other day. The focus was on something I was wondering/worrying about, but by the time we clicked off our phones on both sides of the country, I realized we had been talking about something entirely else. Something I needed to hear and feel. Falling…

With all my behavior and plotting and energies, there’s too honoring the sorrow of separation in my life. The impending aloneness. I also honor something of joy with the leaving of the city of San Diego. And the wonder of the coming of such spacious uncertainty. Like the determined small birds in the spring bushes…

I have a number of times in this blog referred to the Zen teacher Joan Sutherland and her comment of, “The willingness to not flee.” I’ve moved very close to that not-fleeing place and space these last number of years, an image of sitting before a mirror and staying – no matter what. Then one…

There are days when it’s simply putting one foot in front of the other. For me these are those days.

“This is the core of the practice: breathing in others’ pain so they can be well and have more space to relax and open — breathing out, sending them relaxation or whatever we feel would bring them relief and happiness.” Pema Chodron – “When Things Fall Apart” This is exactly why I will be driving…

Monday morning I took the Camry for an oil change, scooted to the clinic and received a long-delayed pneumonia vaccination, and caught my 10am appointment down the street for a set of four new tires. At Valvoline I thanked the dude under my hood for being so thorough. At Kaiser in the nurse’s clinic I…

My life feels like a dance. With dancing partners of sorrow and wonder. Mostly it’s a lady’s choice. And I keep saying yes. Saying yes to each request. All this dancing is happening right now.

In the Sunday morning Koan room, John Tarrant Roshi wondered about what the Universe is providing through us. Not only for us. Through us. In a little over a month I will be gone from here. Pointing north, I have rented from a man I’ve never met a room I’ve never seen in a town…

I do not need approval these days. I just need to sell my furniture and pack my bags.

There’s a great scene in the movie “Grand Canyon” where Mary McDonnell is walking down an alley and this quite funky-looking homeless guy’s coming the other way, and as he passes her he mumbles, “Keep the baby.” It is a shockingly, unexpected, powerful moment in the movie. One minute you’re walking down an alley in…

A Zen parable: Question – “What is the sound of one hand?” Answer – “Wiping these tears away.”

I am saying goodbye to people, places, and things.

I’m feeling even more of a kinship with Bobbie the feral cat these days.

I have a vision of myself as an old man sitting on a bench watching the day parade by. I’m grateful to see me as ongoing. There’s sadness with the aloneness. In my practice it’s like: This formless form. No knowing.

Vast uncertainty.

Our relationship is coming to an end. My partner and I are separating. I will be leaving San Diego. Sorrow and tenderness, I am entirely talked out.

I wrote a short story once about a young girl waking up beside a small, flowing river, reeds and cattails leaning with the current, and she sees a muskrat walking from the shore up towards an embankment behind her, and it’s total deja vu, because she’s seen this very scene before, that certainty of hazy…