an emptying path

My brain emptied out Sunday morning. It’s the second time in my life I’ve had this distinct awareness and feeling. (Eighteen months ago) Something gone very different. Both times have been unnerving. If my brain’s working any better now, as I write this, if useful words come to me, I’d like to talk about it here. Let me begin with backtracking.

I crawled out of bed just after my 4:35 alarm. I went the bathroom, had a sip of water, got on my knees and asked for help with a number of things, things I ask for help on my knees everyday. Then I bowed to my chair and sat in the appearance and sacredness of meditation for just over 22 minutes. I made and drank one and three-quarter cups of organic Italian coffee, read lots of “Nine-Headed Dragon River” by Peter Matthiessen, wrote my Morning Pages and went to the bathroom again. I put on a thin rain jacket and some new cheap allegedly water-proof boots and went for a long walk. Starting the walk I called a guy named Mark in Florida, a long-time life mentor, who was busy and said he’d call me back. All through this my mind was working fine – well, the way my mind works it’s regular way.

Near the end of the walk my son Cameron called me from Missouri and we talked about the new home with its 17 acres he and Alison and the four kids will be taking ownership of Tuesday. By then I was back to my building and Mark had called back while I was on with Cameron, and Cameron said he’d sent me a video of the family’s new Vlog – “The Seventeen Acres” – and I said “Love you” and called back Mark and we talked the way mostly normal older guys do. Oh, Mark just celebrated 41 years of sobriety, and wished each other well. I hung up, went into the building and the unit and my room and saw the Red Sox had signed Trevor Story. I went to the bathroom again. I sat at my small black desk and opened my “Timed Writings” file, where I set my phone to 25:25 – every day – and I start the clock and write whatever comes into my mind, often it’s kind of “What I did on my summer vacation” stuff, sometimes it’s slightly more profound. But, Sunday – yesterday – my brain emptied out.

I could not think of the most simple things. I’d think of something to type and was unable to find any of those words. I’d wait for a word, I’d wait, another word would show up and I’d type it, Not because I believed in it – simply to do something while the clock ticked on. What follows is some of it

“And when it’s quiet I can go back to the Dragon book and keep doing and maybe loos at poetry or other stars, the pile of books become a high hills, and so much to read and senty wide joy and I can keep learning and keep learning and in fact I am moving into the entire altogether of Zen and my Buddhist living, there is so much morning – When I walk, just walk – all like that, the idea of saving the very clear and simply words and language, the 10 dancing trees, beautiful birds sweep prose over the edge of Mexico. It’s a big deal. The creek down men, the breeze rush free from local up and thrush free. Oh, why did way in the last 30 minutes change everything change what my does of with how my works together, truly I can not be how I am and how I have been turn, oh, my son is landing a crazy life of growing a new life of stay free with electric of free friend and still, an axes all the land few minish, maybe I need to go back to learn, to may see if I can come back to how everything, I spend this day here be go. Cameron has now act turning of 17 acres he as own it did finish. Plus, I am very good finish and love furnish all the turkish of kind and love.”

Copied and pasted.

I’d like to think, not to be too romantic, that this emptying of my mind is both the unintentional and intentional making space for a newer me to fill-in. Better? Worse? More vibrant? More crazy? Old, wild poet? Life with tumor? All I do know is I did normal stuff normally a couple of hours Sunday. Then my mind emptied out.