05/14/2021 1 By BuddyCushman

Late to the keyboard today, most of which has struggled past. I’ll be brief.

This has been a wipe out day. I was wiped out, fully, by 7:30 am, where I could be found at the basement table, weeping over my then-unfinished Morning Pages. Earlier, at 5:30, I’d read two texts from a former college colleague and fellow trouble-maker, the first of which encouraged a look at legal action and protecting my rights – a path I have shied from – the second a reminder that in the ways of this big world I am “a senior” and seniors have protections and services available and opportunities for help with housing and food and even legal assistance. I look in the mirror and I don’t see senior and go on my walks and don’t think senior and in my chronic daydreaming I remain a kid, both at heart and within my world view. The big old world. The big world in which the birth certificate says – yup – senior.

Then a brief talk with the wife. Then a second, a bit longer talk with the wife, in the basement, me with pen in hand over the Pages, and these were the first two talks at all since the word “divorce” seemed to fall out rather easily a month ago. And I went for a long walk and had some breakfast and watched “800 Words” and did some packing stuff and Zoomed down to San Diego and woke Spenser at 1pm and made his lunch and we watched a Cinderella movie with Selena Gomez and went back up to his room and he was a real champion – amazing and steadfast – reminding me the sooner we get this all packed up and cleaned up he can move up to Gresham with Aaron and live with his new family. And it didn’t hurt. It felt great, he can already see something else and he’s excited and he’ll get to live with way younger and way hipper and way more energetic people who already know him and love him and their world has become and will become his world and it fills my heart with incredible gratitude. Talk about angels.

And after a while we played whiffle baseball in the back yard where we’ve played for years and I think I’m more aware that’s coming to a quick end than he is, which is good, and I’ve sat out there these past few weeks with bigger eyes – like Lindsey Lohan says in “The Parent Trap” – Making a memory. And then the wife, who has taken off her ring but I’m keeping mine on cause it’s my only jewelry and I like how it feels – the wife and her daughter drove to Five Guys and got foods I no longer eat for the three of them and I ate some stuff out of the refrigerator which I’ve helped pay for and ate in the basement and watched another “800” episode then went for my second walk and realized I forgot my phone and couldn’t call Gavin, and the fact is my body hurt all over today and my nose bled for no reason this morning and my spirit quivered some, and I said this would be brief and here comes the trance of my finger dance on the keys, but it’s late and way later on the east coast where this morning’s text came from and lots of big, big support these 30 days and if you’ve hung in with this Thursday ramble so far, thanks. Maybe I’ll do better keeping it simple tomorrow.