lives

A woman named Dana I worked with back for a kid agency in Massachusetts said something to me after I’d given notice in preparation to begin another chapter of this life in California. This was the tail end of 2005. What Dana said to me was this – “You have no idea how important you are to people.”

I don’t remember how much I thought about it when she said it, and after, even if I thought about it much at all. Kind of like another way of saying “I’ll miss you.” But, at times over the years since, her words have come back to me, and here and there I’ve thought about them a lot. They came back to me in my Morning Pages today.

About six or so hours from now I am going to tell that pair of humans I have always referred to in this Blog as “the San Marcos kids” that I’ve given notice and have two more weeks and then I’ll be gone – be gone out of their lives. I was given permission to come into and thereby become part of their lives back at the beginning of last August. Coming into their home and sharing the me of me twice a week. Right into their most intimate life space. I think, maybe my leaving won’t matter a lot, like, who was that guy? They refer to me periodically as “Mr. Magoo”, I’m pretty sure a reference to being on the “old” side of life, maybe being some straight, non-descript character too. Cartoonish. So, this light-hearted experience of me experiencing them experiencing me doesn’t feel real heavy. But, in fact, I have no idea how important I am to people. Which, considering that in the life’s milieu of people mattering to other people, yeah, that feels heavy.

He ain’t heavy. He’s my personal support worker.

Not like James Stewart finally getting a clue how much his life has meant to an entire community in “It’s a Wonderful Life.” But, not completely apart from that either. The point being, having reminded myself of all this while writing my Morning Pages, I need to be completely present when I tell the San Marcos kids I’m going to be leaving their lives, and fully present the remaining 30-something hours over the next two-plus weeks I’m still physically there.

My natural inclination is to discount my contributions. It just is. Today I know I need to pay more attention. Cause, in this here and now, it’s not just about me.