the end of a scribble

07/14/2021 1 By BuddyCushman

…….and I did go outside earlier before brekkie and trim a lavender shrub which was clearly wild and out of maybe expected control – who wants to control nature, really, though nature is nebulous what with that being planted and water-drip maintained there, and anyway I hope the take is positive and will be bummed if it ain’t, but here again I remind myself which I hope to every hour or two, the joy is in the journey, and it’s all interesting, and I am amazed and pleased and thrilled just to have arrived here, and I live in Encinitas CA now and there are some people who seem to like me well enough already and I haven’t even met anyone in person yet though that’s coming, I feel it, and a coffee scheduled in a week or so with Peter R and I will hopefully be an exquisite listener and be there then – the “be here now” of the predicted event future – and see how it goes. And another thing is sending out resumes after punking (for good reasons) on the Downs job and the math of real numbers and chunks of existing savings diminishing and so I’m sending stuff out, resumes etc., and I’m putting myself out there all over the place with Craigslist posts and when I do that and like yesterday ask everyone already knowing me to consider my art as ongoing and future support, I likely too eagerly and pretty sure too often am back on the email hoping for newness and looking around, and checking the phone, and it would probably not be very human of me not to feel a smidge of disappointment when there’s nothing there, no one home, but all I can do is all I can do and all I can do is keep working persistently and all-in, all the way with giddy joy and pleasure, to be there making shit happen on my side of the street. Only place for me, Brah!! And I dig it and almost always these days of sadness and longing and fabulous wonder and amazements, pretty much I’m doing the right thing most the time.

And here it is just after noon and I prayed and sat and drank coffee and wrote inspired notebook and steno pad notes and I walked up Melba and back and I zoomed myself into “no one kicked me out!!”, and doing guerrilla laundry, and I trimmed the bush in the yard and I think it looks kind of cool – I’d defend the work as “different” – and suddenly all I’m smelling is lavender and maybe I’ll have lavender dreams and maybe there’s something there for me in the idea of lavender and I don’t know, not much about nothing really, and there’s the early boys and the very first group again and most of all I need to know, and Gavin dug my “Guru” post though apparently no one else has – yet…….