the rain, the park, and other things

11/05/2021 2 By BuddyCushman

It’s hard for me sometimes and maybe it’s most times to write what I really want to say because as the words fold out in my mind, to head off to my fingers and the keyboard, it all sounds like complaining. I don’t want to complain. So I edit myself a lot and don’t talk and write about what feels pressing and I don’t like that. Gavin and I were talking last night about how the truest work, the best stuff, is what you do for yourself and not wondering/worrying how others will experience it. Maybe next week I write five weekdays of Blogs with absolutely no editing of what comes into my mind. Say exactly how I am today. No fluff to be found. It’s a plan.

I just ended a lengthy phone call with a very nice woman from the Social Security Administration. I was updating information in the part of my SSA account which focuses on my role as repayee for my son Spenser. There was old information in there and now it’s new and timely. Mostly I called about asking how to change Spenser’s repayee from his dad to someone else – the guy he lives with now. There’s a process, of course, and Spenser and Aaron’ll have to do most of the work on their end, I’ll serve as something like a metaphysical guide. I got thinking seriously about this on one of my last Encinitas walks – What if something happens to me all of a sudden? Is there a risk Spenser will lose his benefits? How to get the most important people playing the most significant parts in his young life – not quite so young next Thursday when he turns 29. I did get a present for him in the mail the other day and I’ll PayPal some money to Aaron for Spenser to go get something he wants – my wild guess would be t-shirts and DVD’s. And slowly I’m working to figure out when I can get up to Idaho – most likely – to see him and Aaron and that extended family.

This was the most important thing I could do today and I was able to do it here in my new room on my newer computer on my brand new desk. I did not do the two other important things I had on today’s list because I’ve been sick since Sunday – initially misbelieving it was a reflux hangover – and if anything it’s gotten worse. Which is just the way it is, which includes I shaved yesterday in a moment of viral delirium and clean-face me ain’t the me of me anymore and I was sorry for it immediately and that’s not happening again anytime soon, like, oh, ever.

Last night I was watching a documentary about Metallica. But it was way boring, so I switched my streaming to a documentary about The Cowsills. It felt like the right thing to do. How was I to know they’d both be about music and alcoholism?

I’ve had two new books I ordered come in the mail yesterday and today and I do not have a soft chair to sit in in which to read them – one of today’s cancelled activities. And if you find that complaint-like, I don’t know what to tell ya. Except, wait ’til next week.