to talk to

The strangest thing happened to me last night. I did something absolutely normal and was shocked with how wonderful – and un-ordinary – it felt.

I told someone how I was feeling. Someone in a room with me.

If that’s not much of a deal, never mind a big one, for you, I get it. It’s normal to have people you can talk to and to talk to them and to experience some degree and experience of gratification. But for me, save for the three-plus weeks spent with my friend Kate back in June, lurking in the shadow of Portland to help my son get settled in his new home, I’ve had absolutely no one to talk with about how I was doing and what I was feeling and why I wanted to cry or scream or laugh like a mad hatter – anything, just to say it and share it – to get it out. Obviously I’m not talking about the phone, because as it has been said in this Blog space about 10,000 times, from the day my divorce became real straight through to last weekend my pal Gavin in Oakland literally saved my ass, which includes my life, calling me on the phone day after day after day after day. And to a slightly lesser degree it’s been true with Kate and Joyce and Bob and Andy in Massachusetts and any number of people who have loved me and helped me along to that one 60’s thing of all greatest importance to me – to keep on keeping on.

So, to come in from a very tough last hour of work – and nothing to do with the kids, who are wonderful humans and have great laughs – but from my own incompetence’s in a kitchen – and a stressful new ride, and be able to say to someone, someone trustworthy, “Can I talk to you for a minute?” and hear a yes and have that person stay and listen and not much else, well, it was just this huge exhale for me. This really huge exhale. And when I thanked my week-long new housemate for listening, he said “Of course”, and I said I know it’s an “Of course” and I haven’t had any “Of course’s” like this for a long time. Now – my new housemate is a private guy and not much of a conversationalist, not with me anyway, and didn’t drop what he was doing and make eye contact and lean forward on the chair in anticipation. Like the image when the Lovin’ Spoonful in “Darling Be Home Soon”, sang “For the great relief of having you to talk to.” Nah, there wasn’t any of that. But he said “Of course”, and in my life this last half year – like Aaron saying “Of course” when I asked if he could and would take and love Spenser – it’s a really big deal.

I have been alone, which is mostly okay, and lonely, which isn’t, more in these last six-plus months than at any time I can remember in my whole life. Even when I was drunk and stupid and not a barrel of laughs to be around. So even a little thing like someone sitting and listening to me for a couple of minutes and feeling the immediate ease of just getting something out – man…….

These days I take my big deals wherever I find them.