yes, in Virginia, there is a Santa Clause

Today would have been my wedding anniversary. Maybe it still is. I’ve been thinking about it, but haven’t come to any decision. I suppose if you stop believing in Santa Clause, December 25th is still Christmas. So I guess I think it’s more likely that it remains my anniversary. I guess.

I sent my ex-wife a small smiley face emoji thing early, actually it was exactly 6:59 this morning. Not one of those big grinning faces, nah, just a small smile. It felt like a look of kindness to me and it felt like a kindness to send it. I didn’t expect to hear back – she’s not built that way anymore – and I didn’t. My side of the street. I get to work my side of the street only, and over here it felt like a small honoring of the more than 11 years of joy and wonder, grace and sharing everything we had. I’m glad I sent it.

I was sitting on a stone bench at the end of the high ‘Bluff Trail’ walk a while ago, I always sit there before heading back down, and I did some sobbing. I suppose I made myself cry by playing sad songs on my phone, and maybe that’s a “Duh” to the ninth degree. But it felt, and feels, right. I’m sad. My old friend and mentor Dick M would say, like he always did when he was still around, “You’re right where you’re supposed to be.”

We were married on a mountaintop in Virginia in 2010. That was a happy day. Today, down here by the ocean in southern California, I have no one to love. And no one to be loved by. Today, right here in Encinitas I mean, there sure are people I love all over the place, and people who love me those places too. Just no one right here, right now, right here today.

I do know I could tell myself to shut up and tell myself to count all my blessings, and honestly I don’t know if I could count that high. Compose cheerier words to end the week here in this Blog. But, it’s mostly not where I’m at today. This feels like a day it’s just alright for me to hold hands with sadness.

And, by the way – I do believe in Santa Clause. I’m just not certain if it’s my anniversary or not.