lighter fluid

I had very little sleep last night, though I don’t feel especially tired right now. I crawled into bed just after 8:30, and continued to lay there entirely awake as the phone told me Monday had slipped into Tuesday. My alarm was already set for 2:59, and when it sounded I got up to begin today. Now it’s 10 minutes before seven, and I have already accomplished a variety of meaningful, important, and surely sacred things. Maybe I’ll be tired later.

Sometimes I go to bed with no agenda other than sleep, and sleep doesn’t visit, and I don’t know why. Last night’s ongoing sleeplessness is way more clear. Truth be told, when I crawled into bed I dragged stress and anxiety and anger and something like resentment along with me. All that stuff, as it swirled through my head, moved its way down into my body, and what felt like low-voltage electricity filled my physical person and, literally, pulsed there. Sleep was not an option. Sometime after midnight I dragged my naked self over to the recliner and wrote some notes into my fun, large, red notebook, which is filled with new year’s resolutions and very sacred brainstorms and a Zen Koan or two. What I wrote felt, and is, really important, something like a small awakening, and if takes me forgetting that all my business belongs on my own side of the street, and sleeping takes a holiday, it’s worth it.

I’m not planning on starting the Camry today, so the chance of me careening up the 5 like a faulty bumper car ain’t happening. Yay for innocent citizens. I may fall down when I head out on a morning walk when a soon-to-arrive rain shower comes and goes, possibly I’ll knock some sense into myself.

One of my favorite lines in the first Star Wars movie – which was simply called “Star Wars” and was episode IV – was Harrison Ford telling Luke Skywalker, who was bragging about having shot down his first enemy spaceship, “Don’t get cocky on me, kid.” I love that, I’ve said it to myself a zillion times these last 46 years (since the movie premiered), and sometimes I forget it. I think I’m farther down the path of being all Zen-like and not bothering the traffic and Mr. Cool Breeze, and there I go suffering for no good reason other than deciding to suffer awhile.

All of which makes me wonder if I’ll scramble my eggs in lighter fluid this morning.