Couch Surfing at 70

Finally, three months up (here) and in (here) my computer is out of a couple of bags and re-assembled by no-techie me on a brand new way-used desk ($15 thrift shop) hauled into my room by Blaine (landlord/housemate) and me, sitting on a too-short chair and for kicks came back to this broken blog place…

Maybe I won’t get a job and just hang out with cows and eat egg bites once in a while and generally be cool about this life of mine now. This is a post I wrote June 5 but never published. It’s obviously dated – job – though not the cows and egg bites stuff.…

There’s something lovely about this day, this special date – Friday the 13th. As much magic and possibility as anything else, like scaries and little grievances. Still here, the chance to rejoice in this day. Like the first appointment with my new doctor, in a couple of hours. Then a spin over to Cayucos. I…

I want to live where it is quiet enough to read nearly all the time. Where my own bathroom is clean and shiny and welcoming. Where there’s enough prepared food, but not too much. And just beyond the in-and-out door the natural world yells with invitation. The Second Noble Truth says suffering is wanting things…

Brian Wilson died yesterday. I didn’t then, I don’t now, know what to do. It was like my little finger on my left hand was just gone. Brian, one of my few heroes. All my life. I flashed on the small patch of front lawn on High Street in Wareham, me 14 or 15, dancing…

leaning on the window sill

“Everything is broken.”

testing testing testing

It’s Tuesday night and my Blog is fading. Don’t know what happened. Don’t know what to do.

Second Tuesday test

a test

I need to find a place to live.

This is just a test to see if what’s broke got fixed.

Note to self – Be brave.

Note to self – Be brave.

I do not feel confused, not really. Yet I have never in my life felt so not knowing – about me; about this world; about my place and behaving in it. Here, San Luis Obispo, now. Not knowing anything. I’m not saying this to be cute or poetic or mysterious. I just walk around, or…

Yesterday, just after two in the afternoon, I drove down to Avila Beach. I measured it — nine miles and just under 25 minutes. A hop, skip, and jump. It has become a favorite place of mine on the planet. Out on the pier, sitting on a bench above the beach, ambling along a lush,…

I don’t really want to write anything about what I’m feeling as I type this. It’s funny, because in the Tuesday night Oakland Zen Koan group I’ve been an active member of for nearly three years, part of the conversation last night regarded being a fool. Sure, perceived as as a fool – easy –…

My blog feels like a place to just tumble out a bunch of words this morning, without a particular need to say anything important or useful or – geez – necessarily engaging. Though, having said that, I do honor the fact you have shown up. Again. Yesterday was this wildly roller coaster trip of emotions…

I came upon this penciled-note back-paging through one of my morning books – “My eyes are old and tired and filled with tears most of the time.” And I’d been wondering what to post today. (Think of this as a fairy tale.)

Yesterday was a most interesting day. I was offered a job by the Channel Islands YMCA San Luis Obispo branch as a “Membership Engagement Specialist.” Kind of a front desk, “Hey, how’s it going?” welcoming person, probably a little more technical than that. Paperwork, trainings, and get started June 9 or thereabouts. Very part-time, 13.5…

I feel invisible here. In necessary things – a nicer place to live; a meaningful part-time job. There’s nearly no response to my outreach in those regards. Then again, I feel entirely visible when I sit in those meetings; and at the coffee shop; when strolling through this small city, kindnesses and caring exchanged with…

There have been many days here in San Luis Obispo where the San Luis Obispo creek has put its flowing arms around me and held me close – against some of the facts of life, more often regarding my remarkably poor attempt to accept them. As the Buddha said in his Second Noble Truth –…

I have made a number of clear and specific life decisions these last few weeks. It feels as if most of them have made things more difficult. Hoops and more hoops to jump through. It’s okay. Decisions falling out of a place where I hear myself – through all of my senses – bowing to…

This is the only question that matters to me here now, Monday May 26, and to which I need give every bit of my attention and devotion.

At the beach things are different. Of course, it’s all the same. Because it’s like the book says – “Wherever you go, there you are.” When I’m in the room I’m renting in the house in which that room is to be found, feeling sorry for myself, there isn’t a beach within a thousand miles.…

Ambling is a lovely word, and it best describes the walks that are taking me out and about and throughout the village/small city of San Luis Obispo. Most often with no particular destination, sometimes it’s the bridge above the railroad tracks, sometimes one or another of the many special places from which to view the…

Tuesday morning I kind of lost it. Now I’ve generally been feeling lost in the magnificent spaciousness of it all, the dilemma of how to live my life right now. Pretty seriously lost. This losing it early yesterday was different – more active, sharper, I’d have to say uglier. This after I felt I had…

On the way to Cayucos a while ago I saw black cows blended into the tall, yellow wildflowers. At the beach every stone was playing in the wild wind. On the pier I did not have enough clothes, and was not naked enough, so I left to go sit before the biggest rock around. And…

Last Friday morning I was sitting on my meditation cushion when this thought came to me – Am I being too pushy? Not entirely a surprise considering: 1) An agency I’d applied to while still in San Diego for a position I’d be perfect for and then hand-delivered a new cover letter and resume and…

I found myself at the San Luis Obispo’s farmer’s market yesterday. Since the market is held on Higuera Street from 6-9pm, this was like me pulling an all-nighter. Seriously. At 5:15 I strolled into Boo Boo Records on Monterey and got lost looking in the used CD bins until six. From there it was a…

I had the most lovely walk yesterday morning. I do not have the words to do it justice, I’ll just say that I walked down to the credit union to deposit a $26.27 refund from my State Farm car insurance for moving to San Luis Obispo from San Diego, and when I walked out the…

Some days a bird begins singing out the window before dawn. Other days it’s a daylight song. Yesterday, early, I came upon a most interesting job opportunity, one I’d bring great stuff to, and reached out a couple of times, I believed quite persuasively. Last night I was messaged, “Sorry, this position requires a female.…

I have discovered about 12 different viewpoints from which I can stare down to the glimmering, moving- along San Luis Obispo Creek. The search, and returns to those finds, again and again, has accounted for a bunch of the miles my ancient feet have accumulated. I have a job interview this afternoon, a first here,…

I’m walking more. In fact, I’m doing almost nothing but walking. I’m sure there are reasons, but mostly it’s just me following my feet and my heart. In some order. Here as a solo act in San Luis Obispo. A short, rolling eight blocks to the loveliest of downtowns. The sun-splashed flowing creek. The two-room…

With the help of a few of you, and large circumstances seemingly with a mind of their own, I boarded an early train in San Luis Obispo yesterday morning and rolled down to Santa Barbara, about two and a half train hours south. Then, just after noon, I boarded another train and rolled back up…

It’s likely I’m out early today, and back later with big eyes. I’m hoping to stroll on salt-water piers today and tomorrow. Variable transportation. Promises I’ll keep on goofy letters, with scrawls and blue gel pens. Further strange transport. Yesterday I strolled into a new-to-me grocery store discovered on a long walk, only to see…

Many years ago I read a magazine article with an interview of a man who had gone out sailing by himself and been caught in a storm and ship-wrecked on an island for a month. After he’d been found and rescued and brought back home, he was asked how he was able to survive all…

To say this morning I am filled with a variety of wild emotions is to say it correctly.

“Being appropriate is not appropriate for a pilgrimage.” — John Tarrant I believe it was while I was sitting in a Zoom Koan group Sunday morning when I decided to make no (other) decisions for one week. I don’t think I’d been thinking about this, but the fact is I’m decided out. Lengthy list in…

I’ve received five or six “No’s” or no responses from places of employment to which I have applied, including a funky neighborhood restaurant and a hardware store. Turns out that would allow me to qualify for Medi-Cal, I learned in a meeting about Medicare with a volunteer from a non-profit yesterday. Medi-Cal, I learned, would…

I watered my three plants yesterday. It was a normal and good thing to do. They were glad. My friend Bob in Massachusetts had been the solo responder to my bold request for financial support to buy a ticket and take my very first train ride, and I spent some of the day selecting a…

I took this picture yesterday in Cayucos, California, at the very edge of the Pacific Ocean. A took a bunch of photos there and this was the poorest in terms of sharpness and quality. The sandpiper and I had a bit of a dance, just how many steps I could take in his/her direction before…

There’s glimpses of this amidst loud noises, funky smells, little sleep, and aimless walking arounds.

If I say today my favorite color is green, it won’t surprise me in the least if I wake tomorrow knowing it’s orange. Nearly nothing feels static with me.

When I was maybe six I rode with my family on the train at the Edaville Railroad, a theme-parky place amidst cranberry bogs in Carver, Massachusetts, the next town. Otherwise I have never traveled on a train. Something of a life deficit. The Surfliner line of Amtrak, which gets its start in San Diego, ends…

I caught my breath a smidge yesterday. The place managed to sneak just in front of my mind in line.

Tuesday’s strolling along on small errands to become more a part of this new place – credit union membership, library card, senior center – I came upon the San Luis Obispo Creek meandering and falling pretty much through the center of town. A bench there. Earlier in the morning I came upon a gardener who…

So, if you are reading this, would you please do me a favor and send a card, post card, letter, life statement, something that I can offer as evidence that I actually live here. For as long as I live here. The post office forwarding system hasn’t offered a shred of success that what was…

I honestly have no idea what to say about my life Sunday night/Monday morning. There’s a real chance I won’t sleep tonight, what with the racket just beyond this door, and every chance I’m sleeping in a strange bed by myself. I would like to not complain, and like to think I can spread myself…

I thought I had written this post before, this exact post, but I can’t find it anywhere. Or in any of the last week’s Morning Pages. I wonder if I dreamed writing it, but the visuals and their language are so real – so exact. The other day my brain shut down for a while.…

I cannot even imagine this Thursday. Or, if I’m lucky enough to wake to them, the following two days. I remember once, during the brief time I owned and operated my first car – a 1955 Plymouth – driving one afternoon and a slightly-older girl named Cathy Shanks was with me and when I lit…

Yesterday I celebrated 42 years of one day at a time without one drink or drug. Also yesterday was my last day of work – for now, and who knows how long. A barista at Starbuck’s asked about my day and I said it was my last day of work, and she looked at me…

I got some stuff done yesterday. Toward the leaving. Including a lengthy stroll imbedding a few more neighborhood goodbyes. Gosh, I loved the musical “The Sound of Music” when I was a kid. Pretty sure there was a song of “Goodbyes” in that. The only money I actually spent yesterday was for two containers of…

I have entered my last week in San Diego, and much more significantly, my last week with Ann. Yesterday we drove down the Silver Strand from Coronado and into Imperial Beach, where we walked all the way out on the pier. It was the third time Ann has brought me there, my only times, and…